Something important I have come to understand:
Stop saying “no” for others.
When there is a want or need, what would go through my head: Am I being overbearing? Unreasonable with this boundary? If they wanted this, why have they not asked? There is X and Y and they said Z before – does that all mean I should understand they would say “no”?
It takes only a few seconds. In those few seconds a slew of reasons and rationale leads me to conclude “no” to whatever it was I had in mind.
You may have felt this too – “no” is the only acceptable answer for this other person. What else could they say?
“Yes”
That’s what.
To every “no” there lies the possible “yes.” But we never discover a “yes” if we don’t ask. Think of it as a Schrodinger’s Response: We cannot find out if inside the other person is a “yes” or a “no” unless they let out their feelings.
You likely lack the skills of a mind-reader, so why hesitate to “let the cat out of the bag?”
What This Might Be
Fear.
Specifically, fear of rejection.
When we ask, when we invite that response, we reveal our own vulnerability. The other party could say “no.” They would be and should be enabled to give any response in freedom – regardless, rejection a “no” would be.
Worse yet, we may have cracked-open a Pandora’s Box. We have shown our cards and been found wanting. Been found disgusting or lesser or comedic or base just for the asking. This is a ridiculous expectation if you have done the work to be attractive to yourself and others – a likelihood so low, let us talk no more of it.
Back to rejection: There is only so much rejection one can take before the asking, the trying, is no longer worth the hurt. If you are the only one asking, the compounding rejections will make for a pattern of “no” – this tells you more about the other person than yourself. Perhaps it is time to re-evaluate.
But also consider:
They Are Just Like You
They might be afraid to ask you too.
Tough talk: You are not special. Nor is the other person. The Law of Averages and the Regression to the Mean and a boatload of other lessons prove such as irrefutable. This is reason to take heart: the feelings you are feeling? The things you want and need?
Likely the other person feels and wants and needs the same way too 🙂
Do You!
This lesson comes down to being more selfish. Have the audacity to ask for what you want and need. You must be your best advocate in the world – care for yourself when others might be unable to.
So ask! Or as late salesperson Zig Ziglar would put it, always “ask for the order.”
“No” Is a Full Phrase
You have gotten over yourself, the mind-killing fear, and made the ask. “No” appears. What next?
First: “No” is a full and complete phrase. It is one of the starkest expressions one can make. It comes at face-value – no insight or intuition or assumptions needed. It carries no entitlement for the one asking. It is one of the first words learned by children. “No” brokers no argument.
Second: There may be caveats. Perhaps it is the wrong time, place, context. Maybe the other party has bad breath or is hungry or cold. Or you need to clean your teeth. Who knows! The “no” stands for now – clarity and change might mean you are welcome to ask again in the future.
Third: Now you know. You can and will and must move on. That feeling of rejection, if you have it? That too shall pass, as would the elation of the “yes.” Aren’t you glad you found out? #KnowledgeIsPower
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While I have come across other advice to have better social exchanges, the simple suggestion to not say “no” for others has been one of the most valuable tools added to my toolbox this year.
It cuts to the chase, eliminates a lot of the guesswork, improves authenticity and communication, and grows trust (just to name a few bennies ~).
Who have you been saying “no” for lately? With the above, I hope you will stop supposing and start knowing! Cheers to us living better lives ~
Jimmy Chattin 
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