No secret that I have written about what seems to be true about relationships and crowdsourced success stories. While these perspectives are valid in their own way, why not listen to someone on the front line of relationships?
Why not listen to a divorce lawyer?
On my third read-through in as many weeks, James J. Sexton’s book If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late is a gold mine of insight on the land mines to look out for in relationships.
James proclaims there are a bajillion ways to have a happy relationship while the same couple of catastrophes pop up again and again. I want to share with you some of the new, the novel, and the never-grows-old advice I picked up (if you want the James’s nuance and details on relationship infidelity/sex, go the book!).
A short list:
- TLDR; Do These Things
- Epic Fail: It Takes Two
- Give a S***
- “Hit Send Now”
- Die on Fewer Hills
- Change or Die
- Forgive but Never Excuse Yourself
TLDR; Do These Things
There will be more, yet failing on any of these is dangerous:
- Enforce radical communication and open honesty “early and often, often and early.” E.g.
- Needs, wants, core values, overarching goals
- History, current feelings, future hopes
- Exit plans (what would an end / break look like?)
- The physical relationship
- Know your own needs and share them explicitly.
- Give a s*** about your partner, bettering the relationship, and being a better person.
- Act now on your affections, appreciations, apprehensions, and apologies.
- Making it work > being right (don’t let the cost of ‘winning’ make losers of you both).
- Forgive yourself for who you are, but never use who you are as an excuse to be less than excellent to yourself, your partner, society, and the world.
Lots of these have come up in my own experience as they have been shared with you, but let’s explore how any partnership takes two:
Epic Fail: It Takes Two
Relationships dissolve almost always in James’s observation because of two reasons:
- Not knowing what you want.
- Not appropriately expressing what you want.
Yet, if you feel to know what you want and are being heard, it still falls on you to go find out what the other person wants. Really, you need to:
Give a S***
Simple. Be curious, be observant, be attentive. Do both the big and small things. Do things with and without your partner, solo and social.
Make yourself better and more interesting. Support your partner in how they go about improving. Abhor stagnation (more on that below) and foster growth.
James puts forward many, many ways to do this, yet here is one to remember right now:
Get space from your partner to do your own awesome things. Come back to your partner to share your experiences. Encourage others to get away (“insist” might be a bit too strong), have their own thing, share the uniqueness of their renewed perspective.
“Hit Send Now”
James goes over how the cancer of resentment kills, how simmering on apprehension is a miasma. His suggestion to overcome this failure?
Hit ‘send’ now.
On the email, on the text, on the call – express the thing that is bothering you (i.e. your problem) right away in “I” and “feel” terms. Get the dirt out in the open between you and another pronto so it can be addressed instead of mold in the dark where your problem becomes a problem for everyone.
Act now on these other alliterations:
- Affection – do not wait to give and get affection, especially in cases of dedicated partnerships. James points out that when a person’s needs for affection are left to fallow, that person will look to other pastures.
- Appreciation – do not wait to appreciate the choices another makes. They have chosen to be involved in your life, to have you in theirs, and hopefully are taking the action to make it all better. “Don’t take for granted” and all that!
- Apologies – do not wait to apologize. Back to “it takes two,” there will always be something you could have done better, even if the ’cause’ of whatever the issue is might objectively be with the other. So apologize for your part, appreciate the other’s understanding and raising of their apprehensions, and remind them of your mutual affections.
Die on Fewer Hills
Jumping off the “apologies” above, being “right” or always getting a win is a lose-lose game. If you are wrong, you are a loser for being stubborn; if you are right, you are now in a relationship with a loser. How is this OK?
James suggests a novel approach: Compromise. Chill. Give fewer s***s about fewer things. Put more work into making the relationship work than flexing your own ego.
Focusing on the few allows you to put your energy into where it really matters: Your partner, your needs, and your fundamental values (pizza-vs-cheeseburger does not count).
So understand which hills are worth fighting for and which few you are ready to die on, and in the process, kill the relationship.
Change or Die
Figuratively, of course. (Really on the morbid topics today 💀 James the divorce lawyer suggests we blame the feels on him.)
If you are holding out on fewer hills, you can remain flexible. Relationships require some flexibility as no relationship remains the same (I have a few posts on how stagnation is death).
As such, “treading water” is a lot of words for “drowning.” James suggests exercising your own tolerance for change, being open to changes offered by and in your partner, and bringing new and novel ideas to the table on your own.
Forgive but Never Excuse Yourself
After hundreds of pages, James reminds us: You are only human. Fallible. Inconsistent. Sometimes tired. Capable of great compassion and great pettiness.
Forgive yourself. If you are putting in the personal- and relationship-labor to keep the partnership alive, cutting yourself slack for a slip or mistake can be tough (though will be made easier by making immediate amends).
But never, ever let “you are only human” be your excuse. You are better than your weaknesses, your base nature.
Get competent and confident. Then get more competent and more humble. Later lend a hand to your partner and others so they may be better sooner too.
As James puts forward, do these things, and you may just keep you relationships alive.
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Happy Valentine’s Week!
If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late is going on my bookshelf along with the likes of State of Affairs and the classic Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. (Maybe someday a blogpost of what is on my shelves…)
I hope James J. Sexton’s advice and my own commentary has been a help to you today. As said, I’m on my third but very much not final read of this work and this blog posts covers but a smidgen of the lessons profound.
Always open for more, I very much would like to hear your own suggestions for books, podcasts, and experiences that have taught you a thing or two.
Send an email or comment below – regardless, cheers to all your relationships, big and small!
Jimmy Chattin 
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