Truths About Relationships

Perfect timing for the big day!

Which big day? If you have to ask, you may go read another post instead of this one 😂

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! This year, the festive occasion of lovers coincides with my work on “Truths,” or things that seem to be real, free of time, culture, or dichotomy.

The following are a few things are worth keeping in mind whether you have a significant other or others to share February 14th with (or what you might do to participate next year!).

Lifelong Lessons

• • “There is no Love, there are only proofs of Love.” – Pierre Reverdy
    • No truer words have been said on the subject. Do Love, not claim love. (Mind the capital “L.”) To merely say you “love” another is, at best, frivolous and undermines the true, heart-aching impact of giving all of one’s self to another; at worst, it’s the foulest form of emotional manipulation. Behave like you mean it in all things, though especially in your adorations.
  • Affection and Kindness Are Not Love
    • Know the difference between sweet feelings, urges, and compassion. These things may be part of Love, but alone do not Love make. Recognize when someone mistakes your affection and kindness towards them as something else so you can immediately make things understood as they really are.
  • Having a Long-Term Partner Is Important
    • For any ‘soloists’ out there, understand that finding, maintaining, and being around an intimate, caring person is one of the most important things for your well-being. The acts and experiences associated with a long-term relationship are directly tied with benefits to your mind, body, spirit, and longevity you can only get in the presence of another person.
  • Things Change
    • Come to terms that whatever your situation is, it will change. You will change. Those in your life will change. Jobs and health and finances and goals will change. A humble example is that ~50% of marriages end before the death of a partner. If things should pass away, move away, go away, mourning is understandable and acceptable; obsession is not. Enjoy the time you have as you are now, but hold off on the attachments to things as they are vs. the excitement at what they could become.
  • Be Attractive
    • Really should be #1. Be fit physically, mentally, socially, have strong financial, educational, and career fitness. Figure yourself out and be confident in the decisions you make. Fix up your anti-charismatic quirks, be it talking too loud, wearing too much spray, or being a jerk to the wait staff. Find hygiene and diet and sleep patterns that work for you and be absolutely selfish and territorial about these things. Clean your room. Wear clean underwear and listen to music that moves you. Nothing is a greater boon to a relationship, career, personal, or social context than to be attractive ~

On Valentine’s Day

• • • Think About the Future
      • Review hopes for the partnership and the partner regardless of the relationship. Check in on feelings and the experiences that have not worked in the past. Focus on your own responsibility in how you’ve allowed relationships to end and how you will probably do it again. Share these with your significant other so they can trust your honesty and be a support where you are weakest.
    • Commit
      •  Make a commitment now to either, 1) endeavor to make the partnership work for another year, or 2) end it. Escalate the relationship’s future and be decisive. Even if the feelings are still in the early stages, now is the time to talk openly and honestly about life goals and relationship expectations (children, family, who makes the money and how, how money is spent, where and how to live, line-in-the-sand political stances, end of life wishes, personal vices that could jeopardize the relationship, etc.).
    • Hell Yes or Hell No
      • To help make your decisions, consider anything not a “Hell Yes” a “Hell No” by default. Keep this in mind should either you or your partner hesitate or not have a strong opinion of what the future holds for you both.
    • Update Statuses
      • If you are now committed to another person, close your apps and update your online relationship statuses. An updated, public social media account is a greater sign of dedication to another than wearing a ring. (Rings can be taken off or explained away; the online history and inbox notices of “X is in a relationship with Y” lasts forever.)
    • Propose Later
      • If formal marriage is your thing, don’t pursue it now! Emotions are too high for the February 14th occasion for personally intimate decisions to remain unaffected. Instead, take time to think about a time and place to be less cliché.
    • Love the One You’re With
      • Focus! Today is about you and your partner. Keep your attention from wandering. Look them in the eyes. Be responsive. Turn off and remove the distractions removing you from them. Care what they have to say, now more than ever.

Before Next Year

• • Act Now, Results Later
    • Be impatient with taking action now to treat you (and your partner) well. Do it today, this hour, this minute. Yet, be patient with the results. You are helping foster this relationship like a garden – regularity, moderation, tilling the foundations, addressing the weeds when they come up, profit from the fruits that arrive later!
  • Don’t Settle, Suffice
    • Have higher standards. Meet or beat the feelings and experiences you have with your current partner compared with past relationships. But, how do you know when to suffice versus settle? See:
  • All About the Numbers
    • Date a lot. Make friends without expectation. Become emotionally if not also physically close to many people (more than you can count on your hands at least). Figure out what has brought you happiness and fond memories in your past relationships. Figure out what in yourself and in your past partners were red flags. Mind these things especially during the tough times, such as fights or deaths or layoffs. (And if you don’t have any personal red flags that you are also taking action now to address, you have a ways to go to be emotionally honest enough for an intimate relationship. For now, please remain single.)
  • Competition Is for Chumps
    • If another person wants to play games or have you chase, don’t (better: run away!). If another person has many priorities in life including you, they have no priorities (including you). If it’s you driving the conversation and the attention, stop. Put effort into making a relationship last, not into making a relationship.
  • Learn
    • Educate yourself on books and articles. Audit relationships with friends and family and colleagues and more intimate others. Go to therapy. Discover new and interesting things to show your companion. Always seek to improve yourself, triply so when you are with someone you adore (ie put more effort into yourself when you are already with someone).

      Some guides: Read Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus, State of Affairs, Mating in Captivity, and Sapiens. New additions in 2023: Red Queen, If You’re In My Office It’s Already Too Late.

  • January and February Hiatus
    • Aim not to date in January and February. Heck, even start to cool off if you’ve not found a partner in early December. A lot of people feel obligated to “be happy and fulfilled” during the holidays, and when more so than over Valentine’s? You and they may not even realize you are making rash decisions, so cool it for now. There are ten more months in the year without pressure to explore with a companion.
  • Valentine’s Every Day
    • Treat them well or not at all! Approach those you find like it’s Valentine’s Day every day. It’s an occasion of note not just to be alive, but to be together with another person that you care something for and may care about you in a similar way. February 14th is only a reminder of what should be done every day of the year ❤

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Between history lessons, psychology texts, and my own experience, these things seem to be true about relationships. Go forth to your romances well armed!

What has your experience been? What defines Valentine’s Day and relationships as a whole for you? Your perspective is of great value!

In the meantime, take care! Enjoy the weekend, since you at least have the great company that is yourself ~ Cheers to next week!