Going All Out in RPGs

One of the hardest things to pin down in my own RPG design is this: How do you allow a character to go from affecting one target to many? Or to put that extra effort into going all out on something? And balance the whole thing so as not to go overboard?

After a little testing and a lot of study, I want to share this small library of system-agnostic game design mechanics for shooting, swiping, and generally increasing the breadth or depth of player action.

  1. KISS: System Agnosticism
  2. Player Choices
  3. Cy_Borg: Keep Rollin’ (Within Reason)
  4. Warhammer: A Smattering of Splattering
  5. A Spicy Homebrew
  6. All Out Enemies

KISS: System Agnosticism

To keep the library ‘clean,’ I will not emphasize the types of dice or player stats / abilities used in altering the outcomes of dice rolls. Adopt and adapt as necessary.

The only assumptions here are:

  1. Dice rolls for determining any random outcomes.
  2. There exists the possibility to have a extreme / critical failure or success on those rolls.
  3. (Suggested:) Critical failures result in some sort of over-extension. If using a projectile tool, this could mean running out of loaded ammunition (e.g. empty mag, quiver) or an explosion (e.g. plasma containment breach, failure to launch the rocket). In melee, the tool of choice gets stuck, or every other action against the over-extended character has advantage for a turn, or at worst, the tool breaks or is damaged down a tier of effectiveness.
  4. Players may choose when to end their spree – either by selecting a finite number of targets to begin with, or choosing not to continue when in the middle of the act.

That’s it! Let’s rock:

Player Choices

Point 4 above intends the players to be in control of the actions their characters take, reaping the consequences as they come.

To do this, players must choose as to whether or not focus down a single target or spread their care around.

In the first instance, choosing one target per action is the default for games – a “do this to that” situation.

The act of spreading the effect around is where this library will be the best leverage:

Cy_Borg: Keep Rollin’ (Within Reason)

Cy_Borg adds what its grimdark fantasy ancestor could not: Automatic weapons. How does this system handle going all out?

Act aggressively up to three times choosing a target (same or different) every time. However, stop acting anytime or when failing a roll.

The main difference here in going all out is a higher chance to need to reload after the fight and it uses a different stat than regular shooting actions. Just roll versus difficulty!

How I might spice up something similar:

  • Allow a character to keep acting forever until they run out of targets (they choose either to spread fire or concentrate before rolling) or they fail the roll.
  • Option: Each subsequent shot gets harder to roll or all shots are a tier-of-difficulty harder to hit.
  • Option: Any failure is a critical failure (i.e. out of ammo or otherwise cannot fire until action and/or resource is spent immediately vs. post fight).
  • Option: Combine the two options above!
  • Extend this ability to swiping in melee – be able to target all in surrounding proximity if in a group or ganged-up on the character.

Warhammer: A Smattering of Splattering

I am a sucker for Warhammer games, especially 40K. In Only War and Deathwatch, both D100 percentile systems, there are options:

  • All Out – Attack in melee with +20% effect. Cannot dodge or parry until next turn.
  • Full Auto – Attack at range with +20% effect. Extra hit every 10% aka degree-of-success. Crit fail is more likely (jams). Allocate extra hits to nearby targets or the original up to the weapon’s max “full auto” value of number of rounds spent (these are spent regardless of hits). Get a -10% effect instead if also moving.
    • Burst firing is less impactful, and a distinguish I will forego further comment on: +10% effect, spending “burst” number of rounds automatically and capping the number of possible hits, get an extra hit every two degrees-of-success, gain no bonus effect if moving.
  • Suppressing Fire – Pins (rather, chance to pin) all foes in a 45-degree arc over a distinct area. -20% chance to hit. Crit fail is more likely (jams). Allocate extra hits at every two degrees-of-success to a random recipient, capping at rounds spent. Spend “full auto” rounds automatically.

Auto-fire along with explosive-typed weapons are also the only way to put a dent into hordes of enemies.

Spice things up:

  • “All Out” is the term for diving into melee or unleashing auto-fire. Allow extra hits to allocate to the same or new enemies, but once moved off a target, cannot move back and must move to any new targets in the same direction.
  • “Suppression” pins all entities in or entering/exiting an area. There is disadvantage to hit if the target stays still, but no disadvantage if they move. Cannot critically fail. Roll to hit for all similar targets moving and staying put (e.g. all easy-but-moving vs all easy-but-in-cover vs all moderate, etc.). Use an entire magazine’s worth of ammo by the start of the character’s next turn (mitigate with large-capacity magazines).

Next is Wrath & Glory, a D6 dice-pool system (more dice = more chances of successes):

  • Salvo – Spend an entire magazine to add the size of weapon magazine to the dice pool.
  • All Out – Add two dice to melee, but suffer two when in defense until next turn.

Wrapping up with fantasy, Age of Sigmar: Soulbound (another D6 pool):

  • Spread – Specific to only certain ranged weapons. Hit everything of the same difficulty as the target (I spicily say lower difficulties too!) that is next to the target. Higher difficulties get a chance to dodge. Applies to things like shotguns, automatic weapons, and explosions.
  • Cleave – Specific to only certain melee weapons. On each die roll of 6, do 1 damage to all foes next to the intended target.

Side note: most games have rules against using ranged weapons in close-combat. Deathwatch forbids it unless using pistol-like weapons. I would spice it up by allowing ranged weapons, but have an uncontested ~50/50 chance to hit the target or any other random target in close range to the melee (including the acting character!).

A Spicy Homebrew

All of the above is of great study. Some key points:

  • Going “all out” applies similar mechanics to melee and ranged actions.
  • Any “all out” failure is a critical failure and ends the spree.
  • Going “all out” is one of the only ways an individual can take on a horde / mob / detachment.
  • Degrees of success add to the number of hits.
  • Hits can be focused on a target or spread among nearby targets.
  • Pressing the point: Suppression guarantees a spending of ammo and denies riskless access to an area for a turn. Being “Reckless” or “Savage” in melee gets the cut in, but leaves one open to be disadvantaged against all else until their next turn.
    • This is similar to the concept of “blood magic” where a point of health can be spent to increase a die roll by 1 or reroll (with the chance of a critical failure) as many times as wanted to force a thing to occur. If used too often to get out of spots really meant to be too tricky, optionally require costs to reflect the tier of what is being attempted (1 extra value on the rule costs 4 for a tier-4 spell).

The biggest exception I have with these systems is that most rely on multiple rolls and/or bean-counting of ammunition. We can do better with one roll and degrees of success and by-magazine capacity. An example:

  • Acting Normally – Pick one target. Roll to match or beat the difficulty of the target. A successful match is the effective hit of the tool, plus 1 effect for each degree-of-success above that difficulty.
    • A tier-3 sword strikes a target of difficulty 7. The roll (+ any modifiers) is a total of 10. The effect is 6 (3 for the sword on success + 1 for each number above 7 [10 minus7]).
  • Going All Out – Pick one or a set of targets of the same difficulty. Roll to match or beat the difficulty. A successful match and every degree of success is another hit to distribute.
    • A tier-3 sword swipes at a crowd of difficulty 7 targets. The roll (+ any modifiers) is a total of 10. The outcome is 4 targets are hit for 3 effect each (3 effect for the sword, 4 targets for success and degrees of success [10 minus 7]).
    • Reloading – A ranged weapon critically fails, the magazine running dry on the trigger pull. Out of the character’s inventory, they apply the same kind of mag to the weapon as an action. Prevents counting bullets and maintains a level of tactical prep: how many mags does a character bring along? Can they find or scavenge similar where they are?

All Out Enemies

Perhaps an RPG character has found a machine gun, grenade, or is a spinning cloud of whirling blades. When they go “all out”, they are treated much like a mob or when using suppression: They either hit everything in an arc or focus-fire extra effect worth 2D6 divided by 2 (round up) on a single target, everything being an automatic success except for when crit rolls above this antagonist’s difficulty jamming their gear.

Give the character something like bombs? Or missiles!? A tank’s main auto-cannon? Automatically hit those in a zone with an extra 2D6 effect. Crit fail for an off-target, scattered landing.

To spare the scope of large groups going all out, keep the mechanic relegated to heavy weapons teams, berserkers, boss characters, and other identifiable, high-value targets (e.g. tier-3 specialists and above or vehicles).

All this to say, even lowly grunts armed with the right tools can take out the most heavily equipped knight!

There are other mechanics out there for sure. Most of them involve rolling multiple dice over and over and over again, or putting arbitrary limits on what can be hit (e.g. Cy_Borg‘s max-3 limit).

Further, few systems seek to tie together melee and ranged actions, let alone having rules for either leaning into one target or many (something as simple to realize as, “does the character swing down, or side-to-side? Pull the trigger lightly or keep it pressed?”).

I hope the spicy additions if not the homebrew solves some of these conundrums for you as they have I. (Big thanks to my ol’ D&D group who asked what to roll when spinning like a top into a bunch of ratmen!)

This post has gone all in on going all out in RPGs. Share your favorite go-to mechanic and which of the above speaks most to you! Cheers to you going all out in play and living life ~

#PaidMe2023

Restarting the tradition that began as a hashtag in the summer of 2020, I am back to share with you my data once again!

All the below are estimates using free online resources. Your mileage may vary.

The Data

THP – Take Home Pay (assuming only income taxes without contributions apply)
Inf – Inflation (not used for the year of writing, ’23)
CoL – THP normalized to national Cost of Living

Senior Software Engineer, L3
Base Pay: $175,000
THP (after effective tax of 32.54%): $118,050
CoL: $71,545 (THP / location’s decimal-percentage CoL)
Aerospace Company
Westside Los Angeles Metro Area, CA

Excluding all stock, bonus, and other amenity info. Checkout Glassdoor (use an incognito browser) and levels.fyi for great value-add resources.

Takeaways

California income taxes suck. Guess that is why so many CA tech companies offer stock and options, those taxed at a different, i.e. lower, rate!

I haven’t experienced too harshly the cost of living change – housing nearly triples the national average, but Airbnb and fully-furnished month-to-month options are perhaps 100-150% vs 200% higher. Not to mention what would happen with a roommate(s)!

Regardless, take-home pushes me ever closer to financial independence FI while allowing luxuries in some lifestyle choices (e.g. no need for roomies).

That is it for this year! Checkout 2021’s data (skipped 2022 – the company gave no raises [I should be “appreciative” that the stock went up, which then proceeded to nosedive] before summer layoffs).

Wanna talk numbers? Would =adore= getting to hear! Curious about an offer or the non-base-pay bits left out of this post? Hit me up for a call!

It is dangerous to go out into the working world alone – I am hear for you. Until needed, I send you cheers in your pay and careers ~

Tribe of Mentors: A Share of Value

Tim Ferriss’s “Tribe of Mentors” is a fantastic book. Heck, I have shared it more than any other gift.

Out of the multitude of mentors that have added to the tome (it is a thicc boi of a book), there is sage advice and practical example for… just about everything 🤷‍♂️

“Tribe of Mentors” holds so much benefit to this day – about high time I added to its share of value with my own answers to Tim’s questions. The 11 stellar Qs abbreviated below:

  1. New belief / behavior / habit in the last five years?
  2. Best purchase $100 or less?
  3. Favorite failure?
  4. Most gifted book(s)?
  5. A better billboard message? Why?
  6. Best investment(s)?
  7. Adored unusual-habit or absurdity?
  8. New grad advice? Advice to ignore?
  9. Bad advice from the professional field?
  10. How to regain focus when lost / overwhelmed?
  11. What to say “no” to in the last five years? Other tips?

New belief / behavior / habit in the last five years?

5 years spans the pandemic era – so much has changed… Yet those are things in the world I cannot control, or was unduly influenced by.

For myself, the best improvement to my life comes from being less patient, having the hard conversations sooner.

Whether talking compensation for a job or explicitly defining a romantic relationship or getting appreciation / apprehension / affection / apology aired ASAP, candid talk early and often has reaped for me unequalled dividends.

Best purchase $100 or less?

I do not buy knickknacks or trivial items to then keep around, let alone every 6 months (the original Q’s time span). So I answer in two parts:

The most valuable material gifts I have received in the last 2 years (I assume under $100) have been a coffee mug warmer I spy next to me now along with the Bluetooth earbuds at my other hand. Keeping my tea steaming and my music/audiobooks streaming adds a high quality to life.

What I buy for myself would have to be my supplements. Ashwagandha (KSM-66 variant), L-Carnitine, Lion’s Mane mushroom powder, MCT oil, Maca powder, Beetroot powder, probiotics – I live a better life through manipulating my body chemistry with these. Never wish to be without!*

* Their total cost might be more than $100 every 6 months 😅 11-out-of-10 doesn’t matter as I am a better human being for them 💯

Favorite failure?

Plenty of mistakes have been made, plenty of pettiness and ignorance… To pick a favorite?

A relatively recent one would be declining to go to Italy for a wedding – a poverty-mindset mistake I will never do again. This decision broke me from most of my penny-pinching, freeing me from shackles I unwittingly fitted myself for 😅

But the biggest must be my failure in higher education. I failed to choose the better schools I could have been admitted into, I failed to choose Computer Science over a Mathematics major, I failed to build more relationships and balance relaxation and let so much just happen.

Without those big failures, I would not have maintained the friendships I do have. Jobs would not have come when they did. Struggles and objective suffering would have passed me by and I would be a lesser person without them.

All the choices about higher education wrapped together is my favorite failure. Final answer.

Most gifted book(s)?

Easy, and spoiled in the intro: “Tribe of Mentors” 😂 Too much useful information here. Bonus: when I gift my copy, I get someone else’s markup to reference when it is given back 😉

Influential books? I will speak of nonfiction here while using some “this-is-my-blog-so-deal” authority to give 4 titles:

  • “The Prince” – Machiavelli’s work exposed many, many patterns in life to me. I am more a cynic, more the realist, more guarded against and respectful of the capabilities in others and I for his treatise.
  • “The Art of War” – Brilliant. Tactics and strategy that translates into fundamental principles for living. It holds up thousands of years after being written.
  • “Never Split the Difference” – Less a guide and more a psychology on everyone coming away with what they need in life. I quote it often, having applied it professionally, socially, and personally.
  • “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” – This ol’ book has not aged all that well. Science and methodology and society as a whole have moved on from it. Why it makes the list is that it gave me such language to explain how others and I behaved in relationships that hadn’t previously made the cut. The topic also brought me to other improvement works, where I would come to read the likes of Esther Perel, Logan Ury, James J. Sexton, and the gestalt at large (in addition to my own observations).

A better billboard message? Why?

One message? One? These are artificial restrictions. If there would be one thing, it ought be the Truth, but we cannot get the Truth. Instead, we can get close. Let me lend a medley after deep, non-exhaustive consideration:

  • Survive.
  • Suffering Is.
  • Be Attractive.
  • Knowledge is a terrible thing.
  • Competition is for chumps.
  • Be Better.
  • “Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” – Dylan Thomas
  • “Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity.” – Horace Mann
  • “[Evil], it is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being[,] it is up to all of us to become [their] moral superior.” – Terry Pratchett

Best investment(s)?

The investment in the principles that serve myself, and by extension the world. (Warning: here comes some self-praise:)

My Body is fit. It is attractive, strong, endures, and is a machine capable of incredible things 9 of 10 other people are not ready for.

My Mind is vast. The very wonder of its connections surprises me regularly. Like a sea, not even I have charted its patterns, plunged its depths for certain.

My Soul Is. I look inward to explore the dark and the past, all while others praise me for the light my character would seem to shed upon them.

I am a temple to which I give and hold sacrament (learn, exert, sacrifice for, cherish) on the daily. (Wow, self-aggrandizing much??)

Adored unusual-habit or absurdity?

CATS ❤ But adoring them only makes sense…

Cold showers! Yet there is a lot of rational science backing up this habit…

Butter on bitter, 100% chocolate. Creamy and crunchy. Slightly sweet and biting flavor ~ A great breakfast.

New grad advice? Advice to ignore?

Already too late to tell them that the grades hardly matter, or to invest their efforts into the market, or that all this too will pass…

Instead:

  • Everything is a negotiation. No-one is your chief advocate but you, nor should they be your biggest fan – that’s you! (Always ask for more value.)
  • Be visible everywhere; out of sight is out of mind and you never want to be out of mind.
  • Work less, but under promise, over deliver. Act humble knowing (because you have done the self-work, have gathered the evidence you keep to yourself) that you can catch and eat the other 9 people in the room.
  • Actually, just take some more career advice from Scott Galloway along with his advice on happiness.

What to ignore:

  • Passion. F- your passion. Go be excellent at something that you will spend little time on, get paid lots on, and give you leeway to explore your passions on the weekends and evenings.
  • Fairness. If this hasn’t been ground out of you yet, fairness is a construct. Gird yourself to be treated unfairly and equip the tools required to fight unfairly.

Bad advice from the professional field?

Hmmm… In tech, IDK. Stay up on the frontline of technical topics? Code when not at work?

If tech might be important, it will start showing up in popular media (news, recent sci fi, etc.). Things move so fast, single frameworks or methods or areas of development are gone in less than it takes to earn a college degree. So stay flexible on principles, the ability to learn, and getting people to like you (be interested and interesting).

Get paid to do the thing you are good at. For me, coding is one such thing. I will code every week even when not paid to do so (i.e. unemployment), but will not code twice in a day (e.g. job and hobby). So relax when you leave work (and leave work!) to become a more interesting person with more passions.

How to regain focus when lost / overwhelmed?

Easy. Answer flexible based on what is at hand or is needing to be done:

  • HALTS – Address hunger (eat something salty and fatty, hydrate), anger (journal, meditate, exercise), loneliness (reply to texts, tell someone of their importance in your life), tiredness (naps, meditation), and stress (relocate, disengage, doodle).
  • Exercise – Pull a resistance band, pump some pushups, hike the stairs, squat real fast, stretch. Get the heart going.
  • Music – You best have a banger of a playlist to get into whatever mood you want to be in. Set up a few for yourself – I had many once, but now I go back to just a few for brain work, physical work, and rest.
  • Supplements – Lions Mane, MCT Oil, L-Carnitine, probiotics, caffeine stacked with L-Theanine. These will get one into the right headspace in no time flat 😊

What to say “no” to in the last five years? Other tips?

Over this current era of my life, I have been getting better at a few things:

Do not say “no” for others. Ask for my wants and needs. Here is a post on that.

Be more selfish. This includes being less agreeable (my greatest bane and boon). Do things because I enjoy them, or need it – say “no” to virtually all else.

Be long-term. Do fewer things that are only a short-term opportunity, especially saying “no” to that which loans energy from the future. Think about next year, and discipline the day.

I owe a friend for suggesting I answer some of these. Owe Tim Ferriss for putting out this valuable read. Owe it to myself to grow and be better from the insights of others.

I want to hear your take – no need to answer all the Qs, just a few. I want your answers 💯 And if I need to expand, let me know that too – never shy about adding clarity!

Which books and mentors have helped you? They will be my next read – cheers to the growth you and I pursue ~

The Best of This Modern Relationship Guide: Keep Alive

Logan Ury’s “How Not to Die Alone” is gold.

Hitting like a freight train, chock full of superb advice, Logan brings their years of learning (Harvard), behavior science (Google), industry know-how (coach and director at dating-app Hinge), and personal relationship-building (and deconstructing) experience without hesitancy. The book is a firehose backed with findings from the likes of psychotherapist Esther Perel and the renowned Gottman Institute.

Having read it multiple times, I now come up for air to share with you the last half of the best I’ve gleamed from this most modern and thorough relationship guide.

  1. Wanna Know What Came Before?
  2. F the Spark
  3. Having “The Talk”
  4. Trouble >_>
  5. Breaking Up
  6. Post Break
  7. Do We Commit?
  8. Bond Better
  9. Bonus: Having Those Tough Convos

Wanna Know What Came Before?

Of course you do. Check out last week’s post on making relationships begin to happen.

So now you have your criteria, your goals set forth, and a few dates lined up. Read on for maintaining what you’ve made:

F the Spark

More colorful language is used in the book 😅

“Spark” is largely useless. The honeymoon infatuation / lust has terrible correlation of what leads to long-term relationships.

Worse yet: contextual anxiety (this situation or person is not OK), i.e. stomach butterflies, can be confused with affection.

Case in point: Recall Juliet and Romeo? Their spark got ’em dead 😐 What would have happened if they had taken some time to get to know each other?

Go for the slow burn contentedness instead. Remember: loyalty, kindness, interested, decently interesting, your own gut feels after the date.

Having “The Talk”

Define the relationship, DTR. Early and often. Often and early.

(Callout again to James Sexton mentioning the same from his divorce practice.)

The infamous “Talk” is the business of relationships: knowing what you want and being explicit in expressing it. Though while The Talk ought be a conversation over a negotiation, it can be awkward because The Talk actively deconstructs fantasies to reveal if there is a foundation to the relationship, which may very well end the relationship along the way.

So it goes.

The author Logan stresses to decide, not slide into the various states of relationships, e.g.

  • Are we still open dating, or are we making this exclusive?
  • What does exclusivity mean to you? For I?
  • How should I introduce you to other people in relation to myself? (Partner, bf/gf, good friend, etc.)
  • What are your values?
  • What are your red flags and musts in relationships?
  • What are your goals for a relationship? Long term, short term, something casual?
  • What does long term look like for you? Why?
  • Should we move in together? What does this mean for us and where we are headed?
  • Where are your fears for us? About yourself? About myself?
  • What does relationship success look like for you?
  • et. al

Everyone in a relationship has the responsibility to initiate, to be candid, and to assume nothing, but trust that the other person will follow through on what has been explicitly laid down.

Things will evolve, contexts will change. “Talk” early and often, often and early. You have so much to gain by being straightforward, and put so much at risk not respecting your own or your partner’s answers and perspectives.

Trouble >_>

Things have slid into a bad place for the relationship. How this trouble came about might be from your way of handling smaller troubles:

  • Hitching – A person with this tendency sticks around in relationships long after it has already failed. Whether from misaligned trajectories, enduring toxic outcomes, or excusing poor behavior, yesterday came and went and the bad relationship still remains.
    • Growth, The Wardrobe Test: Compare your partner to your wardrobe: quality, comfort, fit. What piece are they? A garment for rain and shine, cold and hot, or something itchy, holey, or not to wear around the parents? “Clothes make the man [sic]” so it might be time to clean out the closet.
    • Growth, Sunk Costs, and Loss Aversion: You have spent so much time, energy, and resource into this person; are you afraid to admit it is time to cut off the flow? A feeling of loss is 2-to-7 times more harsh than any gain; are you sticking it out because you feel you lack a support structure or strength to handle the heartache? A “yes” to anything means you must act now, even if that means asking for help.
      • Growth, Opportunity: Would you date today if you met a stranger who acted like your partner does with you? If “no”, stop wasting time – every moment spent in stagnation is an opportunity to meet better folks, AKA getting those reps in!
      • Ditching – Folks here leave before there is growth in the relationship from conflict. Maximizers (something could be better “out there”) and Romancers (fantasies are unfulfilled) make up a lot of Ditching. There is a danger of attempting to optimize at the beginning dating stages – while this can lead to meeting many folks very quickly, it fails to gain experience maintaining relationships and understanding what healthy long term relationships operate as.
      • Growth, Falling Vs Being: “Falling” into Love is a big thrill; this happens with each new partner. “Being” can seem too chill; the slump after a hot beginning. To keep a relationship alive – of “Being” in Love – focus more on strengths vs. the imaginary or mathematical perceived failings of the partner.
      • Growth, Startup Costs: Remember that every new relationship must be built from the ground-up. Ditching a relationship negates that work, leaving no momentum, no leftover energy, no intimate knowledge that would help sustain the newer partnership.

That may not be enough. Further analysis or a sanity check from a second opinion can help. Check these things about the relationship:

  • Wardrobe Test – Again, check the quality, comfort, and fit of the partner. Is this an all-weather person or only a fair-weather opportunity? Raggedy? Outgrown?
  • Stress – Is the trouble new, seemingly from a temporary stressor? Jobs, medical situations, family, and other contexts can be extreme and take us to the brink – if you can see the light at the end of this tunnel, the relationship may merely need more patience or an ounce of grace.
  • Tried It – If you have been open and honest on where things could improve, have been ready to give positive feedback, yet things are not growing (or, daresay, even getting worse!), you have done your due diligence. It is time to move on.
  • Missed Long-Term Expectations – Make sure the trouble isn’t from a personal pet peeve or surface-level (read: shallow) preference. Being less picky, are long term cues being missed, such as kindness and dedication?
  • Defaults – Have you made sure you haven’t fallen into the negative aspects of your default styles? Ditching too early, pulling away as an avoidant, hesitating to commit?
  • Ask Others – People are unlikely to offer unsolicited advice, so you must be proactive here. Ask those who are unbiased and who you trust their perspectives on the relationship as they see it. Ask if they like who you are when around or with the partner in question. Whatever the advice (which does not need to be acted on), be thankful for it, never begrudging.
  • Best Self – Are you doing 100% of your work to be the most you can be in this relationship? Are you actively showing up? What have you done lately to show your work explicitly to your partner? How can you be kinder? Do you have grace?

And of course, some of the obvious: Do you have resentment? Do they? Have either of you learned something new about yourselves that cannot be accommodated for? Has anyone just given up? The End Times (for the relationship) are upon you!

But of course, if trust is broken, the relationship is broken. Black Lies, deceit, manipulation, a pattern of dropping the ball (whether incompetence or unreliability) – while ending things is the first response, a new relationship might be forged from the ashes of the old. (Shoutout to James Sexton.)

“End it or mend it” – Logan is clear that counseling can help, yet we know it may already be too late if started after trouble brews. Be interesting and interested. Get your space and give it. Be explicit and put in the g-dang work.

Failing any or all of that, it is time to act on breaking up.

Side-additions from my own experience: Warning signs of trouble come from a person not knowing what they want, avoiding speaking candidly about relationship topics or pasts, not making things “Facebook Official” or otherwise public, no pictures or shared posts together, and dramatic changes in communication style.

Breaking Up

The time has come. The grit of it:

  • Plan – Make a plan to execute. When (~2 weeks max) and where (private is optimal; though public is a safe second option). Share your intentions with a friend. Write a letter to yourself if you are going to wait with your reasons of why this is needed now. Have a commitment afterward to get space away.
  • DO IT – Have the talk, make the call, send the text. Delay within reason should things come up. This is not a feedback session – refuse explanations, i.e. answer, “I respect you and do not want to waste your time,” and recall that you ought to have been giving explicit feedback up to this point. 60-90 minutes max before you have to leave for another commitment; later convos are OK, as are breaks during the breakup conversation, yet again they must not detract from the message you are giving.

Be mindful: If the context is wrong (e.g. their parent just died, they have a project due over the weekend, you both have plans for a child’s concert that night), delay. But if the schedule does not have a convenient time, pick the most convenient inconvenient time for you in ~2 weeks.

Regarding shared assets: Marriage, children, and mutual property make this process a whole lot messier. Take care to do what you must to handle this part of the breakup.

How: Dating over months or had the exclusivity talk? Give them the respect of an in-person convo if the reasons of breaking up are safe ones, i.e. no violence involved. Only a few dates? A simple call or text will suffice, such as:

I enjoyed <whatever time, activity, or relationship> with you. I feel we are going in different romantic directions. <Optionally: Can we maintain our friendship?> Giving you my best as you keep accomplishing so much in life.

Whatever or however you do it, be kinder. Be grace.

That said, I say do not burn and balm – you are breaking up with them, do not also be their rescue from or the “nice” support system after the harsh situation you have engendered. Live with what you have done.

Certainly, no breakup sex/intimacy; seek selfcare with others instead! (This can be that get-away commitment planned for before.)

Post Break

Time for recovery:

A huge step for you will be to reframe into a new mental model the situation.

Understanding how much you (and the other person) gain from a breakup helps balm the loss (which will be hitting 2-7 times harder than you might think it ought). An optimistic focus (even about foul events) improves oneself with gratitude and opportunity mindfulness, all great traits to have as a person regardless if in a breakup.

Next, self care. A general life reminder: Schedule in your own self care. No one ought be a bigger advocate of you than you.

Finally, get dating again soon (after you up your flirting skills). Going back out to meet folks with romantic intention is the only way to understand if you are emotionally prepared to continue making strides in this part of your life.

Do We Commit?

Survived some trouble? Like who you are with? See a future together? As always, be explicit, even with yourself by writing the answers to these 11 questions that require a bit of meditation:

  1. Are they are Prom Date or a Partner?
  2. What is their Wardrobe Test result?
  3. How will you grow with them?
  4. Do you admire them?
  5. What side of you do they bring out?
  6. Are they one of the first people you want to share good news with?
  7. Am I OK talking-out and -through my hardships with them? (i.e. they are non-judgmental, compassionate, and can think critically)
  8. Do I value their advice?
  9. What do you look towards or envision as milestones in a life together?
  10. Can you both make tough decisions together?
  11. Do they communicate well and fight productively?

Now read the answers above as you would for the relationship a friend is in. (Heck, put a quality friend’s name at the top of the page.) Sit with these feels and answer: does this feel like the relationship is good with these folks together?

If you are feeling good, be happy and confident in the answers. You are in a good place. You can stay where you are too – evolving commitments is no race (again, going for the “slow burn”).

The numbers are in: those that date for 1-2 years have a 20% higher stick-together rate than those that long-term commit (i.e. marriage) after less than a year of dating. Get at least 3 years together, the stick-around rate jumps to 39%!

So how does a couple continue to bond over that time?

Bond Better

In addition to all the communication tips above, another tool for the box is a frequent trifecta of “us” conversations to have with the partner.

Before each conversation, do some joint, connected, romantic activity beforehand and clear your day’s calendar for after.

For the actual Qs, I direct you to a site summarizing Logan Ury’s take on this subject. The resource goes in-depth on ways to talk about the past, present, and future “us.” (I must say that get-to-know-you activities like this are =superb= bonding tools.)

Aside from conversations, labeling is a big deal in building character and appreciation in relationships. Want someone to be strong? Explicitly call out their actions and give them titles of strength. Want to highlight traits that someone feels they have or want to be seen as? Name ’em. Humans will change in response to identity labels and remember titles, even if it is you for yourself.

I am a dater. I am confident. I am X. I want Y.

Contracts: You don’t need to be married or in business to have a contract. Pull something together informally – a shared computer doc, a paper pad, notecards, a kitchen whiteboard, whatever. Envision together what the relationship is and strives to be. List what folks want. Define, define, define, and be explicit. Revisit on occasion to explore expectations together.

Bonus: Having Those Tough Convos

General to all conversations, Logan offers a preemptive planning guide to figuring out what needs to be said and how to say it in those tough convos:

  1. What is the desired goal / outcome / consequence here?
  2. What is the core 1-2 sentence message?
  3. Tone to use? To avoid?
  4. What is the opener to remove guardedness and encourage listening?
  5. What needs to be said no matter what?
  6. What are possible reactions? My concerns over the worst?
  7. What will be the response to the worst reactions?
    • Example: “I understand I have hurt you and you want to hurt me. I want this to be as minimally painful as possible. Please don’t attack me.”
  8. How will the conversation close?

Despite more than 5000 words later, I cannot say enough good things about Logan Ury’s work in “How Not to Die Alone.”

From making to breaking relationships, this book has earned a dedicated spot on my shelf alongside the likes of “If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late,” “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” “Red Queen,” and “The State of Affairs.”

Tell me what else I should be reading. I adore hearing what things stood out to you in this summary blog post – let me know! For now, cheers to you growing and finding your way through your own modern relationships ❤

The Best of This Modern Relationship Guide: Make It Happen

The title in question: Logan Ury’s “How Not to Die Alone.”

Hitting like a freight train chock full of superb advice, Logan brings their years of learning (Harvard), behavior science (Google), industry know-how (coach and director at dating-app Hinge), and personal relationship-building (and deconstructing) experience without hesitancy. The book is a firehose of info backed with findings from the likes of psychotherapist Esther Perel and the renowned Gottman Institute.

Having read it multiple times, I finally come up for air. Now I want to share with you part 1 of the best I’ve gleamed from this modern relationship guide.

  1. You Date 3 Ways
  2. 3 Ways to Attach
  3. Partners Are Better Than Prom Dates
  4. Who Are Your OSOs?
  5. To Date a Stranger IRL
  6. Ask Friends!
  7. Ask Friends IRL ~
  8. For Every Date IRL
  9. How to Keep a Relationship Alive?

You Date 3 Ways

3 tendencies make up how people seek out others in their life:

  • The Romancer – Thinking there is “The One” and only “The One” and “The One” will fall into your lap (sometimes literally in the person’s imagination). The “Disney Romance” fantasy. Preconceived notions of who and how relationships will go, leading to passivity and unfounded bias in life.
    • Growth: Be aggressive and proactive in finding your “One.” Loosen up the dating criteria. Come to terms that “happily ever after” is a lie – the prince/princess will have blemishes, perhaps catastrophic bumps in the road, and ultimately you both are only human.
  • The Maximizer – Knows the optimal, seeking perfection exclusively. The crusade ultimately makes the mathematically perfect (yet imaginary) partner the enemy of the great and real. Things could always be better, so when they are not, quick to ditch or seek to change others.
    • Growth: Become a Sufficer. I (a Maximizer) use this self-created advice in my life which has helped others end and start relationships: “Don’t settle but suffice.” Also helpful:
      • The Secretary Problem: Not the actual name of the mathematical optimal proof, but used in the book. A tool to determine if the “sufficient” and “optimized” choice has been made when you don’t know what options are available and a denial-to-commit cannot be undone. Grants great safety against doubts of “did I settle?”

        Figure out the sample size for dating (say, start dating at age 20, hope to be settled down by 40; 20 years). Figure out what 37% is of that (20 years = 7.4).

        Date as many people and as much as possible in the first 37% of the sample (ages 20~27), making sure not to permanently commit (e.g. marriage, children, houses, face tattoos, etc.) to anyone during that time.

        Explore, discover, and improve. When 37% is past, determine who the best person was who was dated in that time (subjective criteria of positive feels, partnership, similar goals and values, etc.).

        Then keep dating (ages 28~40) – once you find someone who is as quality or greater than the one met in the first 37%, commit and put in the work to make it work.
  • The Hesitater – “I’ll be ready when …” Based in fear, responsibility for action is sidelined in favor of side projects and goalpost moving, meaning relationships do not happen for (ultimately) meager excuses.
    • Growth: START DATING! Make friends! Get out! Now! Begin getting the numbers and experiences in, the reps and xp. Set deadlines and leverage 3rd party accountability (e.g. a friend expects a 15 minute progress report every week, etc.).

3 Ways to Attach

It is understood folks have styles of attachment to other people that come in 3 flavors (though a super-minority fourth – the Fearful – exists that needs a lot more care than a book or blog post can provide):

  • Secure – Confident and competent on their own or with others. Can set boundaries and communicate clearly. Seems nice and put together, but at the chance of seeming boring. About ~50% of the population yet scarce in the dating pool – is readily capable of making relationships (even with other styles) work, so are likely already committed.
  • Avoidant – Pulls back when things get too close. Needs independent space (even if only occasionally) and often takes it without communicating what they are doing. May pretend aloofness.
  • Anxious – Draws close. At times over-communicative, desiring feedback. Seeks care and intimacy at cost. Classically “needy.”

Secure style can bond with any other style and make it work. Avoidant and Anxious folks, however, especially since they are the majority of the dating pool, try to bond (Avoidant+Anxious) only to fall into a cycle of getting close then rubber-banding apart (Avoidant tries to meet Anxious close-space needs, eventually taking space away only to be pursued/chased by the Anxious – a vicious loop).

Attachment styles can change over time (the book says after about 4 years of personal growth or trauma). In my own experience, any style can be learned (though only Secure is worth striving to become), yet acting in it day in and out, the good times and the bad, will be many years of work – e.g. a learned-Secure person may regress to their Anxious or Avoidant tendencies given enough stress.

As another tidbit, I have seen attachment styles in other mammals too. Fascinating stuff.

Partners Are Better Than Prom Dates

“Partners” are the long-term folks who are stable, loyal, caring, and kind. Ride-or-dies through the highs and the lows. Have their s*** together with long-term (6-8 year) timelines minimum.

“Prom Dates” are the short-term folks who optimize for fun now-vs-later, good-vibes-only, go-with-the-flow, and impulsive. Enablers. Live in fantasy, thinking of at most the next few months if not just the next few days. Spicy.

Partners can be observed by their emotional stability, unconditional kindness (think, no uncalled for suffering), dedication (e.g. keeping healthy long-term relationships of any kind), growth, knows how to and does fight well, and repairs damages. They express affection, appreciation, apprehensions, and apologies right away without hesitation.

Prom Dates share important interests or hobbies and will introduce novel and “fun” things to do. They can be identified by great times out, perhaps some intense memories. Ready to go and high-burning.

While many folks say they want a long-term Partner, they almost always in the beginning look for the traits of the Prom Date: Does a potential interest share the same interests in music / movies / food? Have they been to as many countries as I have? What is their job and income? Do they cook or clean or own a home? Not watch daytime TV? Are X height and Y weight?

These are aesthetic wants and pet peeves, not what a long term relationship needs. Again: Kindness, caring, long-term timelines, you respect them, emotionally stable, dedicated, growing, fights well, repairs, generally has s*** together.

While having things to do together can be important, it is not the end-all be-all of a long-term relationship. Tastes change, bodies age, priorities shift, time is finite.

Rather, focus on where more time is spent in relationships: Domestic tasks, minimal wealth thresholds (can they support themselves independently), quality of friends, respect for you and your own activities. Anything occasional could be classified as a want or a self-care/-soothing responsibility.

Tldr; Save the needs, kill the pet peeves. Fix your filters to find yourself a long-term Partner vs. the Prom Dates you have been getting.

Who Are Your OSOs?

No person should have all their wants and needs fulfilled only by a single person – that is a tragedy. Logan suggests an alternative: Other Significant Others (OSOs).

An OSO is a person important things can be shared with. Want to go rock climbing but the Partner has bad knees? Call up the OSO gym buddy. A lifelong gardener but the Partner has really bad allergies? Volunteer or start a community garden. Want to do something but the Partner doesn’t care for it? For incidentals and hobbies, it is OK to seek like-minded friends outside the 1:1 relationship.

To Date a Stranger IRL

This is going to sound a lot like the “Flirtology” post. Go there for more depth on how to meet in-real-life ~

Final chime-in here: I remind you that dating is serious business. It ought be treated like a job if you aim and choose to have someone in your life for whatever reason. Be proactive, be consistent, be knowledgeable enough to know what your wants and needs are and capable enough to express them. Put in the time to grow yourself and beat the dating odds since they are in no-one’s favor.

Get off hit-and-miss apps that are designed to keep you guessing and get out IRL.

Go to public events alone (or with a great wing person not looking to hook up themselves) where you 1) enjoy the activity for its own sake, and 2) will be forced to interact with other people. Everything else is a skip in terms of where to spend your seek-a-date time.

Approach who you are interested in: Introduction (“I” statement), comment (about a context or the other person), ask (open-ended opinion question). Or, focus on props, be playful, ensure a follow-up post convo if the feels are there.

Not sure the other is interested? While you ought be gradual in finding this out, you can be upfront in asking “Are you in Love?” (Pauses here might mean they are in open dating or tentatively exclusive, yet have doubts on commitment with who they are with.) Something more casual: “I liked our conversation here and I want to talk it over with you more – how can we follow up after this?”

Still stuck on where to meet people? Get into a line 🙂

Ask Friends!

Simple: Ask your friends to set you up on dates with their friends. What have they done for you recently anyway?

Keep in mind: You must follow up on the date – respond to texts promptly, arrive on time and clean if you get to in-person. Do not let your friend (and theirs) down. Deliver feedback gently through your mutual friend.

Having trouble getting friends to cough up connections? Offer up a bounty – say, a reward for an IRL date (of course, get texting introductions out of the way first), another for 6 dates with the same person, etc. Incentives matter 💯

Ask Friends IRL ~

Maybe the answer to meeting people lies with those you have already met. Sometimes we cannot see the quality trees next to us for the vastness of the forest of possibilities.

After you read this paragraph, stop for a moment to think: Who do you know nearby that you enjoy spending time with? Trust? Can admit is attractive in mind and body to you? Is or may be open to new romantic relationships?

Thought about it? You now may have someone(s) in mind you have already built a relationship with that could be built out in other ways. It could be time to go on a friend-date and have a decidedly fateful conversation.

BEWARE: You have a level of trust with whoever your friend is. You may have shared social groups and routines that will be put at risk in escalating things. So mitigate:

You must act delicately in response to your thoughts and feelings. They are your responsibility, not your friend’s. Should the friend give indirect answers, a change of subject, or outright rejection, you must move on and avoid bringing it up again. Do not make this weird, do not betray your friend this way.

That said, you will only know if you ask your person in person, something such as:

Have you ever considered us as more?

So what if they say “yes?” Fantastic! Now you can get down to business in defining the relationship (more on this in another section). Something else to add should you have overlapping activities or social groups: How can the romance gracefully end if either party chooses to discontinue to preserve the joys you can still have as platonic friends and with your groups?

Anyway, a quip I often recall: Life is better with friends.

For Every Date IRL

Skipping here the online dating suggestions. Most of it is what you have likely heard before – good photos, thorough bios, initiating, meeting fast, etc. Read the book for more!

For first or thirty-first dates, a few bits of unordered mindful advice:

  1. Go on a “3rd object” (as Jean Smith puts it, a “prop”) date.
  2. See your date interact with others – service folks, randoms on the street, your friends, their friends, attractive people of all sexes and genders and races, etc.
  3. Work together at some point on the date. Collaboration is bond building. Play is a great choice!
  4. Silliness and messiness on a date can be great – it opens up conversation, shows a vulnerable side, and defuses what could otherwise be a tense meetup. While you ought be the initiator on this, go slowly to not go overboard.
  5. Dim the lights. Queue the gentle/upbeat/happy music.
  6. Show the effort being put in. Share the thought you put into choosing the place, making accommodations for the other, work done to make things happen. Effort from the person equates to value in the person.
  7. Go deep. As James Sexton put it, “get to heartbreak faster,” most easily done by acting and asking and telling it like you and your date are in the middle of a romantic relationship already. Authenticity is too rare, fantasy kept alive too long.
  8. Listen. LISTEN. Listen to understand.
  9. Make sure you are telling/revealing about yourself, but be comfortable with silence and know when to ask after the other person (i.e. when to shut up when not answering a Q thoroughly yet concisely).
  10. No phones. Not in hand, not on the table, not making sound (vibration can be OK if using discretion). Ignore all texts and non-emergency calls.
  11. End on a high note (a laugh is great for this). Having a semi-flexible deadline to leave (e.g. bedtime, an alarm for 3 hours in, etc.) is a great cue and excuse for looking for that high-point departure.
  12. My additional advice based on psychology: wear red. Red is attractive, winning, and a first among otherwise equal choices.

After the date, Logan suggests taking “The Post-Date Eight” feels review (here @loganury).

How to Keep a Relationship Alive?

Addressing chemistry (i.e. “the spark”), having “the talk,” navigating trouble, recovering from breakups, super-serious committing, and bonding – read now how to do this and more in the last-half of this review.

Now you (hopefully) have a date. To take the relationship to the next step and beyond, I needed to split up >5000 words into two parts (second part here).

I have been constantly recommending “How Not to Die Alone” since it landed on my library loan shelf. I recommend it to you – while I tried to be comprehensive, there is no way, no way to communicate the same impact and influence Logan brings to the page (or audiobook, in my case).

So get started. Go figure yourself out – where you have been, where you are, where you are going, where you want to be. You have the tools, you have the ability, you can make the time.

I am still glad you are here and I want to see you back next week for the final part. Cheers to your personal growth and relationship progress in the meanwhile ~ ❤

The Best of Jean Smith’s “Flirtology”

Psychology is great.

Jean Smith’s “Flirtology” gives some of the best advice on the psychology of flirting and romantic relationship building.

While the book is chockfull of tidbits, here are the parts that ought draw a lot of attention:

  1. Prop Task: I Ask.
  2. No-Gos
  3. Go on the Second Date
  4. Act ASAP
  5. You Too Can Initiate
  6. HOT APE(S)

Prop Task: I Ask.

A reminder for myself of key points in flirting:

  • Prop – Give regard to some 3rd thing. Waiting in line*, a painting, the concert, etc.
  • Task – Don’t flirt or break the ice with others for yourself; do it because it is on your to-do list! So make the approach – it is on your to-do list ~
  • I – Make an observation from your perspective, whether about the prop or your own, positive feelings.
  • Ask – End the opener with an open-ended question (what, how) or inquisitive statement (e.g. “Tell me about …”).

*Lines are great for giving lines – everyone is in a shared activity (the line, waiting), likely bored, and going to be hanging around for a bit. However, people have no escape-routes from lines. This in mind, make a statement about the line to gauge receptivity – only in positive responses might you escalate to introductions and asks! Always be mindful of safety before comfort before joy ~

No-Gos

The book suggests identifying 5 no-gos to get out in the open from low-key texting or the first two dates. (It is OK if you pick between 4 and 7 – that is how most minds work.)

In those no-gos, kill pet peeves, shared activities, and aesthetic pettiness. Height ranges, job type or quality (past being able to support themselves independently), needing to like all the music you do, or enjoy your same sportsball micro-league team will mean little in the long term.

These can be positives (e.g. “the person is kind”) or negatives (e.g. “they aren’t of X political party”) – what matters are the things that will bolster or strain the day-to-day relationship, not the thing that might matter just a few hours a month or such.

But once these few things are found out, go on the first date! Then:

Go on the Second Date

By default, go on the second date.

Unless the person lied, fell out of acceptable No-Gos, or was a generally lousy human being, choose to see them again.

It is too easy for a sense of performance or work or a night’s sleep or yesterday’s lunch to impact how a person acts on the first date. The second gets more data, so save the judgements until then if they are already nifty enough to meet in person. Speaking of:

Act ASAP

The second date can’t happen without the first. The first likely won’t happen if you wait too long.

Texting is great for finding out if the person is a poorly-masked psychopath and setting the logistics of the date. However, text is too easy to fall into – comfy, convenient, and a terrible way to get to know someone.

So stop texting frivolously. Give a “how do you do” and get a date on the calendar ASAP. Within 2 weeks of first contact should a date be down in the books or you both move on.

You Too Can Initiate

Any sex or gender, no regard to older or younger, no matter if you were the one to break the ice or came second to the party, you too can initiate getting the conversation or date going.

Better yet, you ought be initiating.

This is the 21st century. Get over your shyness, get over your fears of rejection, get over your grandparents’ idea that one must chase or be chased. This isn’t a circus; do not expect yourself or others to jump through imaginary hoops.

Speaking of rejection, one of my fave things to keep in mind for relationships: If one person is doing most/all of the asking/proposing, they are also taking on all the risk of rejection, and there is only so much rejection a person can take before they stop trying.

While secure relationships often end up 60/40 in contributions (vs. the classic 50/50 idea), both sides ought be striving to be that 60. So show up, initiate.

HOT APE(S)

Humor – crack (appropriate) jokes (no matter how corny), laugh. Play, be silly.

Openness – body posture is the big one. I would stress being open about discussing relationship topics, histories, and fundamental human conditions too.

Touch – make contact. Light, innocuous locations (upper back, shoulders, arms – mind that getting closer to hands is getting closer to intimacy), and temporary (taps or brushes).

Attention – give the other person your full attention. Listen. Be there for them. Remember to also hold judgements for later except in the most dire (or boring) of cases!

Proximity – physical closeness. Don’t be in their face, yet don’t be out of arm’s reach either. Helps enable both Touch and Eye contact.

Eye contact – look at them. Just look. Eye contact does wonders for bonding two people. (Remember to blink.)

(Smile) – my addition. Could be part of humor, yet smiling is so important it demands its own recognition. Smile, folks 🙂

“Flirtology” was a quick read for me and will be for you too. Between “Prop Task: I Ask” and “HOT APE(S)”, I feel you will improve your interactions with people, whether hanging out with friends, building professional rapport, or setting up that first date.

What pet peeves or aesthetic nice-to-haves have you been keeping around? Looking forward to your own romantic criteria being cleaned up. Cheers to your self improvement!

KISS: F to C, Simple as Can Be

The United States still uses Fahrenheit to measure the weather. Rest of the world? Celsius (it is better!).

The US is not the same. That is pretty lame.

But we can deal, see? And get to where things need to be: converting Fahrenheit to Celsius and Celsius to Fahrenheit with the simplest of math for you and me.

(Yes, I know proper grammar – we are running with the rhymes not matter!)

  1. F to C
  2. C to F
  3. Feel Better Celsius
  4. What’s Left?

F to C

( F – 30 ) / 2 = C

e.g. ( 70F – 30 ) / 2 = 20C

Degrees in Fahrenheit, minus thirty, divided by two; that’s Celsius for you!

C to F

C * 2 + 30 = F

e.g. 20C * 2 + 30 = 70F

Double the degrees, add thirty right, you’ll get Fahrenheit!

Feel Better Celsius

Forget that simple math, for real? No worries! Use this that gives you Celsius’s feel:

30 is HOT 🔥

20 is Nice ~

10 is Cold 🥶

0 is Ice 😱

Celsius Limerick

What’s Left?

If you will be scientific, the equation needs to be specific:

F = C * 9 / 5 + 32

C = ( F – 32 ) * 5 / 9

Textbook F and C Conversions

5 by 9 is .56 and 9 by 5 is 1.8 – for mental calculations, these equations aren’t great 😑

So 5 by 9 is near to half, 1.8 two, using 30 by rounding gives good enough approximations for me and for you! We can show it’s true:

  • 100C ~ 230F (expected: 212F)
  • 30C ~ 90F (i.e. 86F)
  • 20C ~ 70F (68F)
  • 10C ~ 50F (50F)
  • 0C ~ 30F (32F)
  • -10C ~ 10F (14F)

That is it! That is all you need. Take these equations with you to do conversions at speed.

Until all the world uses Celsius we will live with the muss. At least this basic algebra removes a bit of the fuss.

Thank you for sitting through my rhymes – here is to you! Cheers to our next time.

Who Goes First? RPG Initiatives in Brief

Initiative – i.e. who goes first – in roleplaying games is a no-size-fits-all situation.

I have given it my shot to find a one-size solution. The result: Pick whatever feels convenient in the game and the context 🤷‍♂️

Through my research, I have come across many options to determine who goes first. This post is a brief reference – completely unexhaustive – for your own gaming inspiration, yet inspiration it may remain 🎲🎲 In no specific order:

  1. Roll (+Stat): Individual
  2. Roll (+Stat): Group
  3. Stat Only
  4. Lower Effects Go First
  5. Time to Do
  6. Action Points & Betting
  7. Popcorn
  8. Table Order
  9. All Declare, All Act
  10. When to Roll?
  11. When to Act?
  12. Surprise Gets a Free Turn

Roll (+Stat): Individual

The classic of D&D, each player rolls a die and (optionally) adds a stat for it. Better results go first!

Roll (+Stat): Group

Same as the individual, but it goes down to “us” (the players) vs. “them” (game moderator or non-player characters).

Stat Only

Whoever has the highest stats for initiative/speed/movement goes first.

Lower Effects Go First

We see this in games like the Dr. Who RPG – actions that do the least amount of effect go sooner in turn order. Example:

Talk > Move > Environment (e.g. flip a switch) > Help > Coerce Physically > Harm (w/ higher damage going later)

Time to Do

Particular to “move-and-do” combat-style games where moving is always a free action along with talking, the least time-required actions go sooner. Example:

Ranged Attacks (a flick of a finger)
Melee Attacks (a step, a move of an arm, a twist)
Heavy/Magic Actions (big and heaved devices, aiming, a few motions)
Other (complex actions with steps needing a few seconds)

Action Points & Betting

Characters have a limited resource – some “time” or “action” or “stamina” component to the game. These get spent on actions (bigger action effects cost more) or get auctioned, where higher bets go first, but risk being unable to act while others do.

The resource gets restocked automatically or the game may have mechanics that a special “recoup” or “rest” action brings them back.

Popcorn

A popular option, a simple die roll decides who goes first. Once done, that person picks the next person to go. The second person then picks and so on, until everyone has gone.

Elegant (one roll, no math), Popcorn leads to a gamble: do players only pick players, hoping to overwhelm their foes? If so and they fail, the enemy gets to go, then select themselves to go the next turn (since they would not have acted in the new turn), leading to a potential double whammy.

Table Order

The action order starts on the GM’s left (or determined by a roll) and proceeds clockwise.

Easy~

All Declare, All Act

Everyone declares what their character(s) will do. Then the consequences are rolled for. Together, all at once.

Personally, a bit messy, but the speed of resolution and the unexpected carnage of melee can be really cool 😄

When to Roll?

When do these initiatives take effect?

If relying on pure positioning, static stat, or the type of action being taken, rolls never need happen for initiative.

Roll once at game start is another option. This keeps order steady and certain throughout a session of play.

Once every encounter is D&D‘s bread-and-butter. Only done when an interaction starts where order matters.

Lastly: roll repeatedly after everyone and everything has taken an action, e.g. at the start of every turn. (This is cumbersome and a drag – avoid it.)

When to Act?

You would expect only one character acts at a time. What happens when there are ties in determining order? Or that characters are in the same “phase” of action?

Ties can be resolved with a roll, but quality game design seeks to minimize repeat tosses of the dice.

Instead, everything that is tied or otherwise going at the same time goes at the same time! Actions are declared, actions are rolled for, and consequences are applied simultaneously. E.g. two folks can punch each other out in a brawl, or opponents can shout down or interrupt the speeches of their counterparts!

Surprise Gets a Free Turn

See just above. In virtually all cases, if an action is not detected or comes from no-where, it gets to go without consideration of what or when other characters act.

A universal in RPG design!

As I feel it, these are the most impactful initiative systems an RPG can have. While there are oodles of systems out there, these are used in many places (thereby tested), are relatively simple, rely on dice at most, and are ultimately RPG agnostic – the mechanics can work in any game (though may not always convey the same game “feel” – e.g. Dr. Who aims to minimize physical violence!).

What initiatives do you use? Have I left out a stellar example of speed and effect of play? Tell me more! I owe you one. Cheers!

P.S. This is my first post after doing my time audit – short, concise, stays high level. I will check back on how this and following posts have worked out, though I am =always= open to your feedback!

A Lawyer’s Guide to Keep Relationships Alive

No secret that I have written about what seems to be true about relationships and crowdsourced success stories. While these perspectives are valid in their own way, why not listen to someone on the front line of relationships?

Why not listen to a divorce lawyer?

On my third read-through in as many weeks, James J. Sexton’s book If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late is a gold mine of insight on the land mines to look out for in relationships.

James proclaims there are a bajillion ways to have a happy relationship while the same couple of catastrophes pop up again and again. I want to share with you some of the new, the novel, and the never-grows-old advice I picked up (if you want the James’s nuance and details on relationship infidelity/sex, go the book!).

A short list:

  1. TLDR; Do These Things
  2. Epic Fail: It Takes Two
  3. Give a S***
  4. “Hit Send Now”
  5. Die on Fewer Hills
  6. Change or Die
  7. Forgive but Never Excuse Yourself

TLDR; Do These Things

There will be more, yet failing on any of these is dangerous:

  • Enforce radical communication and open honesty “early and often, often and early.” E.g.
    • Needs, wants, core values, overarching goals
    • History, current feelings, future hopes
    • Exit plans (what would an end / break look like?)
    • The physical relationship
  • Know your own needs and share them explicitly.
  • Give a s*** about your partner, bettering the relationship, and being a better person.
  • Act now on your affections, appreciations, apprehensions, and apologies.
  • Making it work > being right (don’t let the cost of ‘winning’ make losers of you both).
  • Forgive yourself for who you are, but never use who you are as an excuse to be less than excellent to yourself, your partner, society, and the world.

Lots of these have come up in my own experience as they have been shared with you, but let’s explore how any partnership takes two:

Epic Fail: It Takes Two

Relationships dissolve almost always in James’s observation because of two reasons:

  1. Not knowing what you want.
  2. Not appropriately expressing what you want.

Yet, if you feel to know what you want and are being heard, it still falls on you to go find out what the other person wants. Really, you need to:

Give a S***

Simple. Be curious, be observant, be attentive. Do both the big and small things. Do things with and without your partner, solo and social.

Make yourself better and more interesting. Support your partner in how they go about improving. Abhor stagnation (more on that below) and foster growth.

James puts forward many, many ways to do this, yet here is one to remember right now:

Get space from your partner to do your own awesome things. Come back to your partner to share your experiences. Encourage (“insist” might be a bit too strong) others to get away, have their own thing, share the uniqueness of their renewed perspective.

“Hit Send Now”

James goes over how the cancer of resentment kills, how simmering on apprehension is a miasma. His suggestion to overcome this failure?

Hit ‘send’ now.

On the email, on the text, on the call – express the thing that is bothering you (i.e. your problem) right away in “I” and “feel” terms. Get the dirt out in the open between you and another pronto so it can be addressed instead of mold in the dark where your problem becomes a problem for everyone.

Act now on these other alliterations:

  • Affection – do not wait to give and get affection, especially in cases of dedicated partnerships. James points out that when a person’s needs for affection are left to fallow, that person will look to other pastures.
  • Appreciation – do not wait to appreciate the choices another makes. They have chosen to be involved in your life, to have you in theirs, and hopefully are taking the action to make it all better. “Don’t take for granted” and all that!
  • Apprehension – do not wait to air out bad gut feels and needs for clarity. If things might be wrong, say so. Do not be the person who fails to question if there is a fire when they smell smoke.
  • Apologies – do not wait to apologize. Back to “it takes two,” there will always be something you could have done better, even if the ’cause’ of whatever the issue is might objectively be with the other. So apologize for your part, appreciate the other’s understanding and raising of their apprehensions, and remind them of your mutual affections.

Die on Fewer Hills

Jumping off the “apologies” above, being “right” or always getting a win is a lose-lose game. If you are wrong, you are a loser for being stubborn; if you are right, you are now in a relationship with a loser. How is this OK?

James suggests a novel approach: Compromise. Chill. Give fewer s***s about fewer things. Put more work into making the relationship work than flexing your own ego.

Focusing on the few allows you to put your energy into where it really matters: Your partner, your needs, and your fundamental values (pizza-vs-cheeseburger does not count).

So understand which hills are worth fighting for and which few you are ready to die on, and in the process, kill the relationship.

Change or Die

Figuratively, of course. (Really on the morbid topics today 💀 James the divorce lawyer suggests we blame the feels on him.)

If you are holding out on fewer hills, you can remain flexible. Relationships require some flexibility as no relationship remains the same (I have a few posts on how stagnation is death).

As such, “treading water” is a lot of words for “drowning.” James suggests exercising your own tolerance for change, being open to changes offered by and in your partner, and bringing new and novel ideas to the table on your own.

Forgive but Never Excuse Yourself

After hundreds of pages, James reminds us: You are only human. Fallible. Inconsistent. Sometimes tired. Capable of great compassion and great pettiness.

Forgive yourself. If you are putting in the personal- and relationship-labor to keep the partnership alive, cutting yourself slack for a slip or mistake can be tough (though will be made easier by making immediate amends).

But never, ever let “you are only human” be your excuse. You are better than your weaknesses, your base nature.

Get competent and confident. Then get more competent and more humble. Later lend a hand to your partner and others so they may be better sooner too.

As James puts forward, do these things, and you may just keep you relationships alive.

Happy Valentine’s Week!

If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late is going on my bookshelf along with the likes of State of Affairs and the classic Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. (Maybe someday a blogpost of what is on my shelves…)

I hope James J. Sexton’s advice and my own commentary has been a help to you today. As said, I’m on my third but very much not final read of this work and this blog posts covers but a smidgen of the lessons profound.

Always open for more, I very much would like to hear your own suggestions for books, podcasts, and experiences that have taught you a thing or two.

Send an email or comment below – regardless, cheers to all your relationships, big and small!

When Things Blow Up – Magic Edition

  1. The Rules
  2. When Things Blow Up:

Magic in fiction is mysterious, fantastic, and often fickle. When I make games, magic is both incredibly powerful and incredibly dangerous.

To aid me at the gaming table when things inevitably blow up, I have created these foibles to emphasize the “glass” of magic-slinging, ability-wielding “glass cannons:”

The Rules

When rolling to see if an ability or spell goes off as expected, a natural 1 (on a D20, doubles under target with 2D6) is a critical failure. The character’s ability to use these powers ceases until they take a short rest and fulfill the requirements of whatever foible they roll a D20 for.

A guideline for D20 D&D-like spell levels/slots to see if they fire:

Roll AboveSpell / Ability Level
10Cantrips, 0
151, 2, 3
204, 5, 6
257, 8
309+
D20 Guidelines to Magic

Roll at or less than the target? No magic – it sputters out.

Want to negate the critical failure so as not to lose powers and gain other ills? Immediately sacrifice a worn or wielded magic item – this foci destroys itself to protect you.

Think these difficulties are too, well, difficult? Get magic items that improve stats or automatically cast the power (scrolls, some wands), commit to rituals (i.e. take a lot of time) to gain advantage on the ability’s use, and get magic-minded friends to help (gaining +1 up to the spell’s level).*

* The idea of blood magic is a fine one to introduce to your tables: when below die target and the roll isn’t a critical failure, spent 1 hit point to improve the roll’s value by 1!

When Things Blow Up:

Putting it all here, but feel free to print the two-pager from Google Drive where any updates go first: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13hq0SjMo_zpYLEpxmFGXVG_bWrKd8arqEzo2t9sBUOQ/edit?usp=sharing

General

01. The powers turn upon their master. You are the target of the power, it doing only harm.

02. The works you wrought run wild. You and all within 15 ft of you (the room) are targets for harm.

03. This… is too much. Gain +1 exhaustion.

04. Agony wracks through your mind and body as something inside breaks. -1 to a random ability bonus.

05. Something has gone terribly wrong. Develop +1 corruption.

06. This burden has taken its toll. Disadvantage on all actions for D6 game minutes.

07. Your actions weigh heavily. Have no rest for D6 days.

08. It could be worse. Take the short rest before using your talents again.

09. Somehow you are unharmed? Against all odds, your mistakes have not cost you.

10. You blank. Immediately fall unconscious, needing another to wake you.

Wild (random / created / pure chaos)

11. You are known. Your foes will know where you are, always, along with your weaknesses for D6 days.

12. You are gone. You disappear for 24 hours.

13. You teleport. You switch physical space with your nearest foe.

14. You are another. You switch souls with your nearest foe, using their abilities and such while they use yours.

15. You fall. You immediately drop to 0 HP and must start saving throws next turn.

16. You are hobbled from being your best. You do not have surprise or advantage until after a long rest.

17. You are slowed. 10 ft moving speed, cannot fly, and last in initiative order until after a long rest.

18. You are luckless. Find that up to D6 * 100 gold or its equivalent in treasure is missing.

19. You are struck ill. Gain a curse that does not allow for you to add bonuses to your HP, such as level.

20. Chaos births onto your plane of existence. 30 ft away, a monster of impossibility blooms (D66 HP, 2D6 harm, Tier 6 25+ DOOM, 2D6 meters tall, exists D6 turns).

Sponsored (Uses Charisma) Warlocks, Clerics, Paladins

11. Silence is your only answer. (Secret:) Any intervention by the Giver is declined without notice for D6 days.

12. Meet your maker. Invoke a dialogue to know how you must improve your standing.

13. Confess and all is forgiven. Tell a different secret to each friend so that all may hear.

14. Your gratitude for these gifts is found wanting. Make a gold offering of 100 multiplied by your level and the spell level.

15. Your hubris is offending the Sponsor. Make a blood sacrifice, yours or anothers in the name of your Lord.

16. You must prove yourself. Deal D4 critical successes to those unoathed to your Bestower.

17. “I? I am a jealous one.” Only the blessings and methods of your Giver can benefit you for D6 days.

18. This is a blessing and a curse. Your nearest foe becomes endowed with the powers of your Host, increasing a tier of difficulty, restoring full health, and gaining advantage through their conflict now or upcoming.

19. Take penance for your sins. Magic and alchemical methods cannot benefit you for D6 days.

20. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?” An avatar of your Bestower, and agent of vengeance, steps through a portal 30 ft away (Tier 6 25+ DESTROYER).

Learned (Uses Intelligence) Wizards, Artificers, scrolls

11. That’s not right… Roll more than 10 + your level after a day of dedicated study to be able to use your talents again.

12. Is that what you remember? All carried food and drink, alchemical, natural, and otherwise, spoils to mold and sludge.

13. Your work has been for not. Any magic you have bestowed, enchanted, attuned to, or otherwise evoked ends.

14. A backlash of the power freezes your very nerves. Take your level in damage.

15. Well, this is embarrassing. All mundane equipment carried teleports to where you last took a short rest.

16. The lesson sears into your mind. Take 1 psychic hit automatically for D6 turns, starting now.

17. What is known becomes unknown. You are cursed to not be able to use this spell again.

18. This failure has your whole attention. Efforts to harm you count as having surprise until after a short rest.

19. Failure compounds on failure. Roll twice more on these tables.

20. The uncontrollable aspect of magic makes itself known. Roll D10 on the Wild table. 

Inherited (Uses Wisdom) Druids, Monks, Sorcerers

11. Perhaps it is for the best. You must take a long rest to regain your abilities.

12. Pushed to the edge, your wares push back. You are unattuned with all your magic items.

13. The strain has been too much. Lose a random sense until after a short rest.

14. You are nothing but a monster, it seems. All who see you break morale and gain Fear of you, friend and foe alike.

15. The thought of your unnatural destruction is the only joy. All foes in the area will not break morale and yearn to take your life immediately.

16. It is the thought that counts. For D6 days, nothing willingly accepts your influence, making all tests of your powers a difficulty higher than they would be.

17. Self-doubt consumes you. Disadvantage to use your extraordinary abilities until after a long rest.

18. Your powers are deeply disturbing to those in your presence. Disadvantage on all social tests for D6 days.

19. Your presence has not gone unnoticed. Something, somewhere, comes for you.

20. Oh… oh no. You injure yourself fundamentally, preventing use of this ability again.

You made it! Will your magic users when you bring these foibles to the table for their fumbles?

Had a lot of fun putting this list together of when things blow up with magic. Will consider a list of martial and tool use fumble tables in the future.

What would you add to these magic lists? To a martial fumble list? What has not worked in your experience and should be avoided?

In advance, thank you for the help – I appreciate your insights! Cheers to avoiding those low rolls 🎲🎲