The book Eight Dates by the Gottman’s (of the famous Gottman Institute) applies years of science from their world-renown work on relationships. In a few brief chapters, the book goes in depth with an actionable eight dates and more covering essential topics of how to relate to you and your relationships.
I add this quick read-of-a-book to the shelf alongside If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late and How Not to Die Alone and the work of Esther Perel. While though it is a short read, the pages overflow with useful tidbits that, frankly, IDK how to include the bulk of here 🤷♂️
But by-heck I am going to try!
Below are a collection of notes that stood out to me. Each date has specific setup and homework to do beforehand, with questions to follow while in the midst of the date (excluding all the Qs and prep here – go to the book!). I will interject my own commentary, so keep eyes peeled and clear your calendar for Eight Dates:
Date 0: Warming Up and How to Communicate
Not really a date yet incredibly important: putting in the work to be ready to have hard conversations, and being mindful of the skills to go deep.
First, is there ingrained contempt that will kill the relationship? Do you speak positively or negatively of your time together? About the other’s characteristics? How do you downplay the negatives? If mired in contempt, it might be better to see a divorce lawyer than make these dates.
That said, how you can keep contempt at bay is to interject warmth, humor, and affection into even difficult conversations. Emphasize the good times! Compliment the other! Use “we” generously! By choosing better language, we become more energetic, enthusiastic, and mindful of the time spent together.
These language tactics combine with how to approach different topics: be devoted vs doubtful, be proud vs ashamed, center on shared values and goals, and, maintain intentions to form and keep traditions of emotional connection. That is what the dates are all about.
Getting the dates that follow onto the calendar, think about intentionality and consistency. A useful device would be beginning a tradition of a special date once a week (say, a minimum of 1 hour but preferably uncapped in the morning, afternoon, or night). Plan the dates, keep the dates – nothing else matters as you and yours are exclusively engaged with each other. While the topics will delve into uncomfortable, unfamiliar spheres, STAY DECENTLY SOBER THROUGHOUT.
As the conversations get rockin’, voice feelings as they arise and explain how and why those feels arose. This requires some hefty introspection and honesty with yourself.
To stoke the convos, ask open-ended Qs. The exploratory statements about emotions, situations, and answers will uncover the most between you and yours. “Tell me…” or just “I hear you – go on” encourages further engagement. Yet always keep in mind that no matter the ask of you or the answer from them, you will be tolerant, you will be empathetic, and you will be understanding.
Enough study. Time for the tests:
Date 1: Trust and Commitment
Where is the “us?”
It might begin by committing to confide not in others about the “us,” to trust that the two – you and yours – are able to explore and resolve the hurdles set in your mutual path.
Further, NEVER compare negatively a partner with real or imagined hypothetical people. You should already have done the review of “is this person worth my effort and attention.” If you can take pride in surviving this far in the relationship, you can commit to keeping the relationship binary as it comes to consultation. No former lovers, no current lusts, no jobs, no recreations, no kids – this is a relationship for you and yours only (more on this below).
(Side note: All the above came from reading the book until July 8th ’23; the following commences on October 1st.)
Date 2: Addressing Conflict
How will you and yours fight? And more importantly, how will you repair?
Eight Dates outlines 25 points of difference in lifestyle and character that typically become abrasive over time in relationships. These ought be accommodated, mediated, or brought up on this date.
To choose which of the 25 hard points to talk about pick 3 to 5 (I say 4 to 7 since that is a psychologically more significant) that seem most important to you (your companion on the date doing the same). Discuss these, using the tactics in the book to move closer together (literally and figuratively, such as holding hands) while perhaps being opposed in view.
The chapter offers four steps to repair from the conflicts brought up in this conflict or that have been chronic between you and those you care for.
Date 3: Sex and Intimacy
To begin with, understand that there is no normal to sex, intimacy, the intensity thereof, or the frequency. 32% of couples have sex 2-3 times a week, 48% a few times a month. You are likely doing just fine (and performance anxiety is a performance killer).
Rather, focus on the quality of the connection made when you can make it.
What sexy lovers do:
- Say and mean “I Love you” daily;
- Surprise your amour with romantic gifts;
- Rain down genuine, objective compliments often;
- Take romantic vacations;
- Deliver back rubs;
- PDA;
- Kiss passionately for no reason (there being an 85% correlation of happy sex and passionate kissing);
- Cuddle daily (only 6% of non-cuddlers have self-reported quality sex);
- Dedicated weekly romantic dates (make it an event / special occasion);
- Prioritize sex;
- Talk about sex easily anywhere;
- Have game (be open to variety within safety and reason);
- Be responsive to bids for emotional connection.
When discussing sex, other than past trauma and outright harm, talk only of what you like in sex (just like in Date 0, talking only of the benefits of your partner). Often and early talks and reviews after the fact lead to better sex and intimacy.
In hetero cisgender norms (a limitation of the studies acknowledged by the book as the science is just not conducted yet), men require sex to have emotional connection, women require emotional connection to have sex. Chicken and the egg at its finest, so meet at the border of where you know your partner is expecting you to be, tagging along in their orbit for at least a bit.
It takes a lot of work to be emotionally vulnerable and physically exposed for intimacy. On top of that, expect only a universal (non-sex specific) 75% acceptance rate to intimate / sexual propositions. However you view this, shoot your shot and know that neither you nor yours will be 100% all the time.
Regardless of the acceptance rate, focus less on sex and more on kissing. Kissing is the glue for togetherness. Kiss a lot and kiss deeply. Kiss for awhile (6 seconds and more).
And between all the quality sex and passionate kissing, do not wait to communicate your appreciation for their work in the relationship, their looks, and their fundamental ‘feel.’ (Comes back to my maxim of “do not wait to share appreciation, apprehension, affection, or apologies.”)
No matter what comes up in this date, other than the acceptance and non-judgement you bring, there is one more stat that the best relationships shared. At best, if you and yours are aligned with little conflict, maintain a 1:20 negative-to-positive ratio about these domestic issues. Note that for high-conflict subjects, I have heard a 1:3-9 exclusive ratio is required to not make things seem dismal nor too easy / for granted.
Date 4: Work and Money
Money is the single best predictor of divorce. (Followed by sex, in-law family, chemical dependence aka addiction, and parenting.)
Some try to pigeonhole people as “saves” and “spenders” – this is a regressive sentiment. Instead, people are a mix and a mix in different contexts. To try to be as general as possible, a wider view of ‘value in the relationship’ needs to be considered.
For those that worship money (everyone does to varying degrees), “no one ever wishes to have spent more time in office.” Saving as a form of accomplishment only goes so far when the time working then impacts time that would go into the relationship or the selfcare that makes us equipped to show up 100% to our relationships.
Continuing on that idea, unpaid work is a conflict in the relationship, whether it is the day job, recreation various, or chores at home. Spending attention and effort – all costing time and energy – introduces a third party into the relationship between two. This violates the pledge of Date 1: faithfulness to the other > sex > chores > anything else.
Speaking of chores, split them as best you can equally (unless this is decided to be one partner’s value proposition to the relationship, where they are performant on domestic tasks so take on more of this role). Consistently, equal division of domesticity is ~17-18 hours a week per person. (I spend ~14 hours on myself.)
During Date 4, discuss priorities. Yours? Your partner’s? To the “us” (from a shared list of values)?
What does money mean to you and why? Save extra, or spend on experiences during a windfall? How do you both contribute value (paid and unpaid) to the relationship? How will y’all live below your means?
Date 5: Family
Family is a fluid and nebulous term. Discuss this in concretions, even if they are daydreams of what (and with whom) this looks like. Consider friends, pets, bio-relatives, children, and more.
Especially talk about children. No children vs. wanting some is a deal breaker; some vs. many is too.
Be mindful that the more money parents earn the more expensive it will be to raise a child from pregnancy to 17 (e.g. if for me in 2015 the result would be $407820 over that 18-ish year timespan.)
Further, ~67% of partnerships suffer a drastic decline in happiness until the first child leaves home; the decline compounds in harshness again for each child born after the first.
Despite these very real downsides, do this to save your relationship: DO NOT LET THE CHILD COME AT THE COST OF YOUR PARTNER; choose the partner above all.
Back to first principles: commit to your partner. There is nothing better for a child than to have strongly-bonded (and healthily bonded) parents.
Nothing of a family is easy. Mitigate the pains by doing a few simple-sounding things when adding others to the family picture:
- The masculine partner respects and values the opinions of the feminine partner;
- Stay mutually involved in the onboarding process (e.g. pregnancy);
- Maintain low conflict, healthy conflict management, and the prior level of intimacy before the ‘other’ became involved.
Again, avoid all criticism, contempt, withdrawing, shutting up and shutting down, and defensiveness here. While all the dates can touch on sensitive topics, family can be one of the touchiest.
Sometimes a change of plans might be required (e.g. the want for children grows in a partner previously committed to no children; an unexpected pregnancy arrives; a parent requires some sort of at-home care) – people (and relationships) change constantly if in good working order. I would suggest the answer to handling a course change as this: stand by the prior commitments of the partnership until either the crisis or a cooling-off period is had. Anything else is impulsive, a broken word – harken to the first date, Trust is paramount – and such terms also apply to a partner who would not come back to the discussion, ie negotiating table.
Date 6: Fun and Adventure
Play, laugh, and make a game of life together to be happier.
As Samwise Gamgee put it, “share the load” as it comes to chores and fun.
Find and regularly do a shared activity. Just a suggestion: Scary things done together are bonding opportunities. Really, anything challenging spikes the feel-good chemicals!
If a partner is turning to drugs or food or porn or other solo activities (mind, these are OK if shared in pictures and story and anticipation with the other partner), this might be symptomatic of a lack of bonding hormones in the brain. Go play and do something risky and new together to help reset the balance. Keep handy that any addiction diminishing the relationship is a candidate for professional intervention.
In contracts to play, a lack of it is not work, but depression. If lacking play, schedule it in as a priority and incorporate it even into work and chore done together. Life is short and limited; your joy with another does not have to be.
Date 7: Growth and Spirituality
Out of every other date, religion is least likely to break the relationship. Shared interests are more important (i.e. talk about ’em), sexy times (enjoy ’em), and share chores (do ’em).
This does not diminish divinity’s role for you and yours. Sacred (however you term it) relationships are happier and last longer. Sacred sex is done more often, is reported to be better, and last longer with lingering positive effects.
To bless the time you and yours share, create rituals. Weekly dates, coming together, parting, being sick, and more are all candidates to hold in reverence. Talk these things through; if afraid or disquieted on how yourself or your partner perceives the world, tell the partner your concerns rather than ask them to stop their explanations or explorations of themselves or your message.
Date 8: Dreams
Think of an optimal future for yourself, the “us,” and how to support the other’s dream. Share these dreams. Explore the deepest dreams that first arose in childhood and the new ones inspired now in adulthood.
After sharing, take turns in pursuing dreams so as to better maintain the relationship by limiting the sacrifice present at any one time. This only works if you do not belittle each other’s dreams; yet, feel free to investigate and ask after these fancies. In the meantime, ignore impracticalities (but give care for anything outright harmful).
The book has a list of dreams to consider bringing up on this date. I especially like the exercise that helps rediscover dreams that may have been buried, lost, or dulled by the weathering of life’s incessant march and chaff.
Those are the dates! But that’s not all – open-ended questions, the bonus compliment date, and more are appended to the back of the book. I especially like the “what is your existential loop, your would-do-forever Groundhog Day” Q.
See? I said there would be more content than you could shake a stick at. Guess you will have to read the book to grok it all!
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2500 words and more than two hours in, this post was long in coming. Yet so short it is compared to the story of the life you and yours have shared and will continue to share, perhaps with a little edge gained by the Gottmans’ Eight Dates.
(I know I will be keeping John and Julie G’s work in my back pocket!)
If you have been together for even a little bit, what would you accredit to maintaining the connection? If you are looking for a connection, what seems to be the missing piece? I am here to listen – regardless, you know I now suggest following the eight dates that set out what is essential to the happiness and understanding of you and yours ❤ Cheers ~
Jimmy Chattin 